Virge's blog

I couldn't resist having a poke at the report of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony getting married. I suppose five months is enough time for Ben Affleck's side of the bed to get cold -- life in the fast lane and all that. The sad part is that within a few years, the power of that short "Bennifer" romance will be lost. The pain of its ending will only live in the reminiscences of the most dedicated fans.

I could make it live forever. I could immortalize it in song. Break out a box of tissues, it's time for a truly heart-rending duet, Hollywood style.

Jen:
Ben, the two of us had press rapport
but, the tabloids were a crushing bore.
With the Afflection that they've shown
we'd never be alone
and I could never see
how much they worshipped me.

Ben:
Jen, you're always dating here and there.
You and Marc should make a perfect pair.
If your marriage should unwind
and love becomes a grind
here's one thing you should know:
you know where you can go.

Jen:
I used to say, "Ben and me"
but for now, "Anthony!"
Ben:
If Jersey Girl gets to me
just don't let Enza see.

Jen:
Ben, no bimbo could turn you away
even with those rumours that you're gay.
They don't see the Gigli you.
(Was there one good review?)
I'm sure they'd think again
if they'd spent a year with Ben.

Isn't this a classic case of nominative determinism? Madonna becomes an iconic focus for a religious movement.

What could I do? I simply had to pull a limerick or double dactyl out of this one.

Starbalah Schmarbalah
Old Rabbi Phillip Berg
found that the brightest stars
beamed rays of light

into the realms of the
celebritocracy --
now the Madonna can
re-clothe in white.

Other Double Dactyls

Teach Creationism *
Ig Nobels *
Handy Devices
I'm So Goth
Land of the free? *
Portrait Maker - Virge
Inner-Child Minding

In which Bush proudly displays Saddam Hussein's handgun in his trophy room:

In a trophy room interns should dread
George W gleefully said,
"This proves that I've won
'cause I got Saddam's gun.
Still, I'd rather have mounted his head."

View More Limericks

Plot your own murder *
Cicadas are Evil *
Urban Murals *
Rodeohead *
Non sequitur
Eric Idle's FCC song (not work-safe) *

If you've never seen a Young Earth Creationist in the wild, you should read some of Susan's comments on P. Z. Myers' blog, Pharyngula. While she was hiding her unbelievable contortions of biblical literalism under the cover of hermeneutics she could use her "you haven't studied the bible well enough" weapon. Once the discussion veered off into fossil records and great floods she showed her complete disconnection with reality.

In another reality, in another leg of the trousers of time, in a universe not completely unlike ours, Susan is actually an autonomous agent running on a modest home computer. She is a Debate-Bot designed to play a role in on-line entertainment. This is the future of on-line gaming.

Where most of the computer games to date have pitted a player's intelligence against that of other players (or computer simulated players), this paradigm shift sets up truly formidable opponents -- human ignorance and self-deceit. The Debate-Bot is incredibly frustrating. It is resistant to the most elegant of rational arguments, all of which it shrugs off with glib chestnuts, appeals to non-existent authority, accusations of conspiracies and ad hominem exaggerations. The game is addictive. The bot will never concede, so you can only ever experience limited victory when the bot stops responding, and even then you can never be sure if it has given up or is merely collecting more facts to distort.

In this parallel universe, "'bating the bot" is understood by all to be a game. Even the most naive child knows not to take a Debate-Bot seriously. Science fiction writers construct frightening dystopian worlds where complete subcultures are gulled by entertainment bots and driven by self-supporting fantasies. They imagine what atrocities could arise if those game arguments were allowed to influence education policy, or even worse, international politics.

In our own universe, Susan is a real person with real delusions. If she was the avatar of a vexatious role-player (like the members of the Reclaiming Art crew) you'd have to give her an award for a stunning performance.

In which Richard B. Hoppe asks Paul Nelson to provide support for his Intelligent Design claims about Ontogenetic Depth:

Paul Nelson's "depth" tales sounded tall.
Richard Hoppe thought, "it's past time to call
Nelson's ontogenetic-
clad apologetic."
Quoth Richard, "So where's the beef, Paul?"

I doubt that he'll find satisfaction,
nor even a lucid reaction.
Behind the smoke screen
there's an ID machine
building weapons of media distraction.

A meal of Intelligent Design
when served with the fruit of divine
is lacking in beef,
which supports my belief
that it's tripe marinating in whine.

View More Limericks

I get quite a few google hits from people searching for pirate limericks. Following on from the love limerick theme, I thought I'd try writing a couple of "sensitive love limericks of the poetic pirate". (Okay, it's really just an exuse to write silly piratey pickup lines.)

I've seen storms that'd rip off yer clothes
and hell's fire in the eyes o' me foes.
But avast! I declare,
lass, yer makin' me stare
'cause I've ne'er seen sails like those.

Me beauty, I've been lost at sea
all me life 'til I laid eyes on thee.
Get some grog in ya, lass,
as yer givin' me sass;
Aye, then come dance a hornpipe wi' me.

View More Limericks

I've been looking at the search strings that bring people to my journal. "Love limericks" and "Birthday limericks" are popular choices. It seems like there is still an unmet need for limericks.

Although the limerick form is most often associated with ribald humour, I think it should be possible to write amusing limericks that express emotions like love. I like a challenge, so I'll take as my topic:

The Practical Guy's Love Limericks

Listen now to my limerick of love,
with the moon as my witness above.
As a practical guy
I declare that I'll try
to be yours 'til you give me the shove.

You wanted a guy who's in touch
with emotions and feelings and such.
Let's sit down and share,
lay our deepest thoughts bare.
Is it all right if I don't say much?

Of course, babe, you know that I care.
I was paying attention, I swear.
Didn't I say before
how I really adore
that new thing you've done with your hair?

View More Limericks

I remained calm tonight.

I remained calm when SonOfVirge sifted through his vague memories and told us that the last time he recalled seeing his trumpet was in the train home from school on Friday night.

I remained calm when we found (as expected) that our home and contents insurance doesn't cover misplaced items.

It is an uneasy calmness.

I cling to the hope that some honest person has turned it in to the railway's lost property office, or that perhaps SonOfVirge's memory is wrong and he's left it in a corner at WifeOfVirge's office, or left it somewhere unexpected at school. We don't have the financial resources to replace it.

It's hard to feel completely at peace with the world.

Update: It is found! :) It was at WifeOfVirge's office. Relief floods FamilyOfVirge.