Watched

I don't like being watched.

Really. Whether it is writing a poem or a story, designing a page, creating a 3d model, taking a photograph or even writing an entry for a publicly displayed journal (you can keep reading this only because I've finished), I feel uncomfortable being watched. It makes me feel inhibited. It makes me feel I am performing in twice earth's gravity of expectation. I want to brainstorm in zero-g, try weird and whacko thoughts, write something down and rub it out it again, put concepts side by side that almost match in a twisted way, see how something looks back to front, hide one concept in another, search for it in reference material... The process exposes me.

As concept grows to creation there usually comes a point where I can say, "This is going to work." Some concepts never reach that point. They either die or languish as a few lines of text in an idea repository somewhere. They are creative dirty laundry and should never see the light of day. What I present to the outside-Virge is a subset that I judge may appeal to some non-zero proportion of the human race.

There is always an exception to the rule. I don't mind being watched if I'm working as part of a team. I can bear (or bare) it if the rest of the team are taking the same personal risks: exposing their own inadequacies, being bizarre, proposing half-arsed ideas in search of another half an arse.

Once I have a presentable something, to the point where it just needs polishing, I want people to see it. I want feedback. Does my product only have meaning for me? Does anyone else see the humour? Does it fade into the cosmic mediocre background that has hung around since the big internet bang? Was I wasting my time?

Then I face that other problem - my own passivity. I don't want to force anyone to look at what I do. I'd much rather they found my work and kept viewing out of interest than be cajoled into it by an attention-seeking Virge shouting "Hey, look at what I've just done!" Public forums suit my style. If people don't like what they see they'll skip over it.

If I want to take my writing beyond its current limited audience I'll have to change my approach. Self-promotion is a necessary part of the game. Fortunately that won't force me to bare all during the creative process. I don't like being watched.