Virgin
Believe it or not, I've managed to use an assortment of instant messager programs over the past few years without ever being propositioned for cyber. That changed this afternoon. My privacy was invaded by a solicitous cyber-seeker.
A lot of my on-line time has been protected by keeping my status invisible (except to friends) and avoiding having any public profile. A few months ago I decided I wanted to raise my visibility on the web and draw a little more traffic to my site. I bought a domain name, tarted up the general appearance of the pages and I broke my profile-less habit. I thought my profile was boring enough not to attract the asinine attentions of the immature.
It seems I was wrong. Or perhaps the contents of the profile were not even considered apart from "Gender: Male". Here is how my IM innocence was lost (with the assailant's name changed to PurilePropositioner - not to protect his/her innocence but because his/her actual id was exceedingly boring):
Session Start (Yahoo! - virgilanti:PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 17:54:43 2003
PurilePropositioner: hi... anyone there?
(Virge closes window expecting random caller to go away.)
Session Close (PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 17:54:53 2003
Session Start (Yahoo! - virgilanti:PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 17:56:16 2003
PurilePropositioner: well anyway, guess yoour not there?
(Virge regrets his rudeness in closing the window and wonders if it is actually someone from EK trying to make contact - evidence of his sheltered IM past.)
virgilanti: please tell me who you are
PurilePropositioner: oh your there :) hhi...
PurilePropositioner: a/s/l (qge sex location)?
PurilePropositioner: im 227/f/USA. was lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.
PurilePropositioner: so what have you been up to virrgilanti?
(Virge realises his mistake. The number of key-bounces here suggest the propositioner is either hyperactive or suffering from Parkinson's disease. Virge tries a very polite brush off.)
virgilanti: sorry, I'm not really "there" for making new contacts at the moment.
PurilePropositioner: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny ::) (*blushes)
(Virge detects the tiniest hint of ulterior motive. That "horny" word does give it away, doesn't it? Virge decides to be firm, but not how Blushing Horny hoped.)
virgilanti: ok, I'm definitely out
virgilanti: bye
PurilePropositioner: feel like a little cyber fun with me ? please pleasee...
(Virge foolishly expects the firm rejection and the session-close to have made his point. How net-naive!)
Session Close (PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 18:00:13 2003
Session Start (Yahoo! - virgilanti:PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 18:00:24 2003
PurilePropositioner: alright :) how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants?
(Virge does what he should have done much earlier, but was too polite.)
*** PurilePropositioner has been ignored.
Session Close (PurilePropositioner): Sun Oct 26 18:00:41 2003
Comments
PuerilePropositioner, of course, in the manner of puerile propositioners everywhere, was not to be thwarted so easily. Virge was the last of the Vs, but there were still the teeming shoals of the W-Z crowd to be plundered. The Ws in particular were looking promising, with lots of Willies and Wankers and Willy Wankas, and even the odd Willy Woofter.
Alas--even the wankers've got their standards:
Puerile Propositioner: hello wanker, by nammmme an by natcher?
Wanker: Quite. Ah. Do I know you?
PP: a/sl/???
Wanker: Yes, I am.
PP: hu?
Wanker: Asleep. Is that not what you're asking? It's a bloody good thing, too. I'd dread to even consider the possibility of this _not_ being a nightmare.
PP: i get nitemares too, thats y im awake late. i always get horny when i'm up late how abt u? :) :) :)
Wanker: Horny as a minotaur. Oh, dear. I think that's my phone. Terribly sorry. Nighty-night.
PP: i can put my head in ur lap wile ur on the phone, naughty hu?
Wanker: It's my mother, in fact.
PP: evn better! im so horny...cum on...lets cyber!
Wanker: (clicking the ignore button) I'd rather cyber with my mother, you capitalization-challenged crank!
Alas, poor PuerilePropositioner. Perhaps she'll have more luck amongst the legions of the XXXCyberNowXXX ilk. Or, more likely, she'll run out of profiles and come round full-circle, staging a second attack on poor Virge. Better hide your cyberbananas--the cybermonkey's gotta eat 'em ALL!
*chuckles*
Sounds like a very Douglas Adamsian personal goal: to offer cyber to each and every net-connected being in alphabetical order. I must remember that goal for when I become an immortal. ;)