Patently Absurd

Hey Mary-Lou! I got a invenshun. We kun teach them foreignahs ta eat propah insteadah muckin around with them k-nittin-needles. Looky here.

An idiot produced an invention
that showed up his short comprehension
of the way his new tool
made him look like a fool,
but it sated his patent pretention.

Thank you Nike. That's just what we were always needing - magnets stuck to our temples so that we can wear sunglasses without needing ears (see patent). I can see it now.

"We were just having a friendly hug when our temple magnets locked! It was okay for the first half hour, but then the earlier cups of coffee started to have their effect. It was getting uncomfortable. I slid my credit card between them to separate them - now the auto-teller won't read my card."

Now all we need is some perspective correcting sunglasses for Nike marketing executives.

Now, let me think. Where could I wear one of these lockable anti-eating masks?

This gorgeous new addition to our spring accessories range comes in all sizes from fashion model through to grossly obese fashion model.

I thought something like this should have been invented by someone named "Neil O'Reilly". (Sorry, I couldn't resist the pun.)

Did you realise that if you have ever teased a cat using a laser pointer, you could be guilty of patent infringement? Maybe you could avoid prosecution if you could show that your stated intent was for enjoyment and not for inducing aerobic exercise in an unrestrained cat.

What is claimed is:
1. A method of inducing aerobic exercise in an unrestrained cat comprising the steps of:
(a) directing an intense coherent beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus to produce a bright highly-focused pattern of light at the intersection of the beam and an opaque surface, said pattern being of visual interest to a cat; and
(b) selectively redirecting said beam out of the cat's immediate reach to induce said cat to run and chase said beam and pattern of light around an exercise area.

There are quite a few more at the Obsure Patents Gallery including:


  • A levitationarium for air flotation of humans,
  • An antenna for sending electromagnetic signals faster than the speed of light,
  • A mechanical arm simulating a 'high five' for the release of excitement,
  • A cloaking device for camouflage against a changing background.