Health and Wellbeing Secrets

Some of you will probably already know that WifeOfVirge and I designed our own house. My engineering background can be blamed for the "this can't be too difficult" approach. What none of you would have known is that this house design embodies a number of arcane arts for increasing the health and wellbeing of the house dwellers.
Since it has become obvious that I can't use these secret techniques to make trailer-loads of cash (because of all the charlatans who have pedalled their bogus new-age novelties and feng shui fictions), I have decided to reveal my gnosis for the benefit of the world at absolutely no cost. You, the intelligent reader, would understand that what I am about to say must be true, since I stand to gain nothing by the revelation. The gift I offer is for purely philanthropic purposes. (Now that I've pumped up the warm and fuzzy feelings I can cope with the shoulder pain that comes from trying to pat one's self on the back.)

Secret 1: Complete Crystal Coverage
I guess you would all be aware that gypsum crystals promote mental focus, growth, luck and immunity. The research already done leaves very little room for doubt of its efficacy. It was with this in mind that we decided to line the inside of our house with gypsum impregnated board. The best way we could think of to reap the mystic crystal benefits was to completely surround ourselves with gypsum - while we eat, while we sleep, and even more so in the smallest room while we meditate on spiritual matters.

Secret 2: Aging like the Ancients
The care needed in designing our roofing angles cannot be underestimated. The roof pitch has been set to exactly Pi/5 times the pitch of Khufu's Great Pyramid at Giza. It was during my study of hieroglyphs in the late 80's that I discovered the mathematical error in the Egyptians' biological time-dilation equations. I nearly missed the slip myself until I tried to reconcile their convergence factors with my Sumerian records. (Their design wasn't a complete waste. The pitch they used turned out to be extremely close to the second harmonic of the tomb's wave equation. The resonance they achieved was sufficient to extend a pharaoh's life expectancy by many years.)

Secret 3: Mansion of Memories
In today's society, nobody can afford to neglect the effects of magnetic fields. Magnetite harmonises the ying and yang poles in our bodies. It strengthens the circulatory system and promotes faster healing. What most scholars have overlooked is the effects magnets can have on memory. In our house design we allocated a special alcove in the kitchen for an array of small but strong magnets attached to a 520 litre metal container. The magnetic grid has proven to be an invaluable aid for recalling appointments, council waste collection schedules, and even postcards. This white-enamelled box with its attractive assortment of colourful magnets has become the magnetic pole of the house. The field lines surrounding the magnets draw us at all hours of day and night.

If you're considering building a new home you owe it yourself to explore the design rules. You need not be locked into the tedious status quo of house-building. Just a little care will mean the difference between a dated, draining, tired accomodation and a timeless, balanced, healthy and enlightened home.