Grumbles

Why can't I have entertaining dreams?

In a dream last night I was given the job of cleaning the overgrown moss and weeds off a sloping house roof. I started to climb up onto the roof using a window sill for footing, then realised I could damage my clothes (I was wearing a long coat - not the best for climbing in). I stepped back down and climbed up using the ladder that was just round the corner. As I was cleaning and scraping, I slid slowly down the roof slope to the ground - since now the roof extended all the way to the ground. When did that happen? Why didn't I just walk up the slope rather than climb a ladder? I kept working. Dream ends.

Maybe I do have very entertaining dreams but just don't remember them. Maybe I only wake up happy because of my unremembered fits of dream laughter. I must find out. I can't bear the thought that my brain might be enjoying itself behind my back... erm... while I'm asleep.
I need to install Dream-Recorder(R). It's available for free download - compatible with 90% of human wetware. (May fail to run in certain lobotomized configurations. Does not record drug induced hallucinations.) Installation only requires a high quality sound card and headphones, but getting the timing right is difficult. You must run the installer during a REM phase. If you haven't got someone who is prepared to sit by your bed and monitor your sleep phases, the easiest install method is to tape your headphones onto your ears and put the install software in auto-repeat mode for the whole night. You can tell if it managed to install correctly by the heads-up display - the fluorescent status panel in the dark area to the left of your left eye's vision. Don't worry if the display panel seems distracting. You'll soon learn to ignore it. Of course the panel position is configurable. A lot of users prefer to place it between their eyes and slightly above the visual field - the so-called "third eye" position.
There's only one thing that stops me downloading it. No, it's not the fear of screwing up my brain, it's the fine print at the bottom of the web page.
"Customers please note: While Dream-Recorder(R) is a free, fully-functional, brain-enhancement program, its companion product - Dream-Player(R) - is still in the final stages of development and will be released on a pay-per-view basis. We are committed to keeping our price per dream down to a level competitive with most live entertainment venues."