November 2004

A few OEDILF limericks

Some limericks I've written recently for the OEDILF (Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form).


She gave alunite crystals to Joe,
Saying, "Under your arms they must go.
They're for spiritual healing."
(That's her way of dealing
With him and his potent BO.)


She said to him, "I shall love alway,"
In her neo-goth make me your thrall way.
He missed what she meant
And assumed her assent
To go wild in an any way at all way.


I lay my thick head down to sleep,
With a sniffle at each passing sheep.
It gets on my nerves
'Cause this allergy serves
To make my catarrh gently weep.

alligator snapper

The turtle, an alligator snapper,
All iced up with bling bling looked dapper.
In rhyme he would tell us
MC Macrochelys
Was a bad-ass mean freestylin' rapper.

Alligator snappers (Macrochelys temminckii) are found in southeastern United States. They can weigh up to 200lbs and have extremely powerful jaws.


I asked how she kept such control
Of her boyfriend's mind, body and soul.
"It's simple geometry.
I study allometry:
How a part grows compared with the whole."


My alogical world-view's a winner.
There's no logic to faze the beginner.
If I throw in enough
Vague untestable stuff
It'll eat your dull science for dinner.

altar call

"Do it now, ere that dark day arrives.
He is waiting to enter your lives.
If you'll give Him your all
At this last altar call
There's a free set of stainless steel knives."

alternative school

They attend an alternative school
Taking subjects most kids would call cool.
With no spelling, no grammar—
Just dark arts and glamour—
On desktops they carve, "Wizzards Rool."

Going out tonight

First of all, a gloat. Tonight: Elvis Costello and the Imposters.

And now, some recent limericks to fill out the rest of this post. These are just silly limericks, not OEDILF word definitions. They're from a forum thread where each limerick writer sets the next topic to be limericked. You never know what you'll get for a subject.


A priceless matched pair of blood rubies
Were nicked from the statuette's oobies.
The thief, not a spook,
Was unmasked -- "It's the duke!"
"Rooby roo!" One more solved by the Scoobies.

Mobile Phone

In a nature club just near Beijing
Standing rules say you don't wear a thing,
Nothing carried or held,
So they had me expelled
When my mobile phone started to ring.


A parapsychologist hoser
(An inveterate bullshit-composer)
Played the likeable fool
But his girl spoke for Zuul:
"We prepare for the coming of Gozer."


A writer, Miguel de Cervantes,
As a slave used to sing gay sea-shanties
For the grim pirate Bates
And the rest of the mates
Who had dressed up in wigs and lace panties.

(Miguel de Cervantes was enslaved by pirates for a number of years. One biographer claims he had latent homosexual tendencies. There is no factual evidence for the other suggestions in this limerick.)

The Haiku of Ireland

A delicate art
This haiku is a mixture
of forms overdue.

A limerick's charm
Japanese calm could never
such meaning imbue.

The Wisdom of Lu-Tze

  • You can leave decorative pawprints all over the mousemat after you've explored the dust behind the computers.
  • Humans wake up if you spring onto their faces in the middle of the night.
  • Keyrings can be fun if you hold the keys with your claws and chew on the ring.
  • Bedcovers have edges. Find an edge, wriggle under it and bite whatever moves.
  • If nothing moves, find something that feels like it might move when you bite it.
  • Headphone cords are really the tails of wild creatures.
  • Any computer game box is big enough to fit a kitten. Any fitting difficulties can be solved by biting the lid.
  • Humans never learn to anticipate an ankle attack from under a bed.
  • Of all the keys on a computer keyboard, the Sleep key is the best one to step on.
  • Humans find it hard to type when you're gnawing their thumbs.

It may not be a quiet night

As I sit here and write, WifeOfVirge has gone to bed, but has little chance of sleeping. Lu-Tze has found how easy it is for a bouncy kitten to leap up onto the bed. It must be fun to sprint from one end of the bed to the other at the blink of an eye or twitch of a toe.

Meanwhile I hear a tone from the other end of the house -- an A, I think -- around 880Hz. As I peer into the darkness of the lounge room I hear Isadora plop down from the piano stool. It's after midnight. It's dark. There's a house to explore. What else should I expect?

This afternoon, Lu-Tze showed some of his Magical Mr Mistoffelees skills. We spent about 20 minutes trying to find him. It was only when I searched the walk-in robe the third time that I found him sleeping happily in a corner on a pile of stuff1 with a screen of clothes draped over him.

Isadora kept her distance for most of the day. She preferred the just-out-of-reach solitude of under the bed. While we went out to see Hero we thought it best to close Isadora and Lu-Tze in the laundry (with food, drink and litter tray). I crawled under our bed and grabbed Isadora. She was reluctant, but didn't put up a real fight. Lu-Tze was easy. Wiggle a shoelace and he's onto it. Of course while LuTze was being moved into the laundry, Isadora slipped out and ran -- guess where -- under the bed. We managed eventually.

At hungry-time, the feline independence changed. The traditional aloofness was replaced by a purring, smooching, please-may-I-push-my-head-into-your-shins type of abasement that could easily be mistaken for acceptance. I think she's getting to grips with her new home and staff.

1You know, like what goes into wardrobes and stays there for years and can never be thrown out -- stuff

Isadora & Lu-Tze

The new members of FamilyOfVirge arrived today. They're settling in. You know, I'd never realized that the hand strap of a camera could be so much fun.

Isadora & Lu-Tze

Embarrassed Sneaking

At the end of the job (what a squeeze!)
I looked round with a growing unease.
The roll was all gone,
So to the next john
I advanced with my pants round my knees.

The paperless office does exist. It's best to find out before you start the work -- saves all that listening for a quiet moment and embarrassed sneaking.

A dribble of limericks

The technical side of the OEDILF has been keeping me busy. There's been precious little time for writing limericks. Here are some that I've written over the last month.

An ascot? It's more like a tie—
A posh one like 'enry 'd buy.
I remember when 'e
Started dancin' with me
'Ow the silk on me cheek made me sigh.
[Inspired by Snowy Owl's My Fair Lady reference.]

For assessment this term you'll compose
An adventure (in plain English prose).
Show me wit and invention,
Risk, danger, and tension.
(You flunk if your junk makes me doze.)

Our affectionate bond's come unstuck,
But to prove that I'm not such a schmuck
Here's a gift for your goin':
One record by Cohen,
One razor, and one rubber duck.
[Inspired by a morning tea conversation at work. In ultra-compressed summary: Me: "Leonard Cohen..." Spike: "and a razor blade..." Me: "and a rubber duck." Spike: "Perfect gift for my ex."]

My faith really needed a prod,
So I tried the Assembly of God.
After "Let there be light"
The instructions weren't right.
Now the Allen key's missing. Oh sod!

There was an old hacker from Wembley
Who, on too many Jolts, became trembly.
Ask him "Why?" then he'd gloat,
"'Cause I cracked and rewrote
All my pacemaker's code in assembly."
[Jolt Cola, the hacker's choice, has twice the caffeine content of other colas.]

His lifestyle was harsh and ascetic
And his teachings all sounded prophetic.
"Mortifying" all night
Was for him a delight.
All the god-talk was purely cosmetic.

Did I ask you to stand on my shoe
Leaving five of my toes black and blue?
It would save you the climb
Just to tell me next time
When you notice my tie is askew.

You can tell that he's animatronic,
Just a puppet with mumblings moronic.
Want a nuclear attack?
See the box on his back —
Press the button that's marked "histrionic."

Overwhelm with amazement profound,
Or to fill with great wonder: "astound"
(From that old word, astoned,
Like your brain's just been boned
By a substance the pigs should impound).

An up-tempo lad from the ghetto
Met a girl who was more allegretto.
Their asynchronous dance
Couldn't help but advance
To a graceless and farcical stretto.

Even though she looks zany and cute,
Let me warn you, that girl is astute.
She's shrewd, so she'll see
Through your game, then you'll be
One more notch on the heel of her boot.


Last night FamilyOfVirge + SoL shambled out to a theatre to see Shaun of the Dead, "A romantic comedy. With zombies." Although there were no actual cries of "Braaaaaiiiiins!!!" from any of the hundreds of undead, we enjoyed it immensely. The groaning, shuffling, staring, flesh-lusting, animated corpses were all one could want in a light-hearted romantic comedy. Highly recommended (unless you're squeamish about a few dropsbuckets of blood).