The technical side of the OEDILF has been keeping me busy. There's been precious little time for writing limericks. Here are some that I've written over the last month.
An ascot? It's more like a tie—
A posh one like 'enry 'd buy.
I remember when 'e
Started dancin' with me
'Ow the silk on me cheek made me sigh.
[Inspired by Snowy Owl's My Fair Lady reference.]
For assessment this term you'll compose
An adventure (in plain English prose).
Show me wit and invention,
Risk, danger, and tension.
(You flunk if your junk makes me doze.)
Our affectionate bond's come unstuck,
But to prove that I'm not such a schmuck
Here's a gift for your goin':
One record by Cohen,
One razor, and one rubber duck.
[Inspired by a morning tea conversation at work. In ultra-compressed summary: Me: "Leonard Cohen..." Spike: "and a razor blade..." Me: "and a rubber duck." Spike: "Perfect gift for my ex."]
My faith really needed a prod,
So I tried the Assembly of God.
After "Let there be light"
The instructions weren't right.
Now the Allen key's missing. Oh sod!
There was an old hacker from Wembley
Who, on too many Jolts, became trembly.
Ask him "Why?" then he'd gloat,
"'Cause I cracked and rewrote
All my pacemaker's code in assembly."
[Jolt Cola, the hacker's choice, has twice the caffeine content of other colas.]
His lifestyle was harsh and ascetic
And his teachings all sounded prophetic.
"Mortifying" all night
Was for him a delight.
All the god-talk was purely cosmetic.
Did I ask you to stand on my shoe
Leaving five of my toes black and blue?
It would save you the climb
Just to tell me next time
When you notice my tie is askew.
You can tell that he's animatronic,
Just a puppet with mumblings moronic.
Want a nuclear attack?
See the box on his back —
Press the button that's marked "histrionic."
Overwhelm with amazement profound,
Or to fill with great wonder: "astound"
(From that old word, astoned,
Like your brain's just been boned
By a substance the pigs should impound).
An up-tempo lad from the ghetto
Met a girl who was more allegretto.
Their asynchronous dance
Couldn't help but advance
To a graceless and farcical stretto.
Even though she looks zany and cute,
Let me warn you, that girl is astute.
She's shrewd, so she'll see
Through your game, then you'll be
One more notch on the heel of her boot.